You’d think by now people would’ve learned that just because something is stamped “CIA” and “declassified” doesn’t mean it’s gospel truth. But nope—thanks to a bizarre document dump making the rounds online, we’ve now got people genuinely debating whether Soviet soldiers were turned into stone statues by UFOs in 1990. The aliens didn’t abduct anyone, probe them, or phone home—they supposedly turned 23 men into granite garden gnomes with a flash of light. Sounds like something off the Syfy channel’s cutting room floor.
Declassified CIA docs claim Soviet troops shot down a UFO in the late ’80s—only to be turned to stone by its alien crew.
Five small beings with black eyes emerged, fused into one entity, and exploded in a blinding flash, petrifying 23 soldiers into limestone.
Two survived—just… pic.twitter.com/GF1eyfoNL3
— Shadow of Ezra (@ShadowofEzra) April 13, 2025
Here’s the deal: this “document,” now floating around the CIA’s FOIA archives like a bad episode of Ancient Aliens, is not some top-secret alien autopsy footage. It’s a secondhand summary of articles from Canada’s Weekly World News and a Ukrainian paper that referenced KGB materials. Weekly World News, in case you forgot, is the same outlet that gave us Bat Boy, Elvis living in a trailer park, and three-headed babies born after Y2K.
The story goes something like this: A Soviet military unit, doing what Soviet military units do (training in Siberia and looking suspicious), spots a low-flying UFO. For “unknown reasons”—which probably translates to vodka and boredom—they fire a missile at it. The saucer crashes. Out come five aliens with big heads and black eyes, like little gray Teletubbies. Then, plot twist: they “merge” into one spherical object, start buzzing like a cheap drone, and explode in a flash of light so powerful that 23 soldiers are “turned into stone poles.”
But wait, there’s more. The “petrified” soldiers are carted off to a secret lab near Moscow. Scientists there discover their molecular structure now matches limestone. And of course, because this is a UFO story, the surviving two soldiers just happened to be standing in the shade. Sunblock, it turns out, might also be alien defense tech.
Now, let’s be crystal clear: this is not a classified CIA assessment. It’s more like the CIA’s intern printed off an article from a checkout lane tabloid, shoved it in a folder, and called it a day. And because government bureaucracies never met a document they wouldn’t hoard, it ended up in an archive.
Still, it’s fun to watch Twitter lose its mind. “They turned them to stone, bro!” No, bro—they probably didn’t. But the fact that our intelligence agencies even filed this nonsense tells you more about bureaucracy than it does about aliens. Maybe if we spent less time cataloging Cold War sci-fi fan fiction and more time securing our southern border or dealing with the CCP cyber onslaught, we’d be better off.
In the meantime, keep your eyes on the skies. And your feet off the limestone.
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